Please open your books to page 32: Terrible remakes of Good Movies

Why oh why...do we need remakes of awesome movies?
Seriously...are we that starved for the original thought? That lazy for the creative integrity?  Why can't we create instead of replicate? AND WHY DOES MY FAT CAT EAT HIS OWN HAIR?
These questions, upon many more are what I fixate on daily, besides relentlessly teasing my students and daydreaming about meeting Paul Giamatti randomly at a pizza joint in downtown New Haven.
"Oh, Mr. Giamatti, you come here too? Often? Well, no I just  happen to be wearing this roller derby jersey with my derby name, Paula G. Imnaughty, on it.. Um, can I sit with you. Oh, yes I like black olives too. My, you're short."

It would go something like that....

Anyhoo, about the remakes.
 I was recently appalled to see a trailer for the remake of Sam Peckinpah's classic Straw Dogs, with James "Cyclops" Marsden in the Dustin Hoffman role. Now, if you really want to know the mind of a bipolar...on a good day my favorite movie is still Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. On a bad day.. I pop in the sinfully delicious tale, Straw Dogs and sink into my couch, with a dark satisfaction. You don't do date nights with Straw Dogs, unless your a film geek at NYU and your date is also a film geek and knows of Peckinpah creative license.  It's not for the lighthearted or your average Twilight fan..

It's hardcore and, yes, I feel hardcore when I watch it, and yes, I feel hardcore gazing at my Straw Dogs movie poster hanging in my woman cave. Sancho Paige does not agree.  But I love the darkness and psychological complexity of the film. The ballsy rape scene that was so controversial because it seems like the female protagonists is actually enjoying her rape....yikes.  It's gutsy, gritty, violent (especially for it's time) and makes you question your own morals, and seriously, it's the only time Dustin Hoffman is ever sexy, cause when he goes ape shit....damn, Mrs. Robinson!
BUT NOW! Now, we're getting a remake with Cyclops, the dopey actress, Kate Boswell with her freakish two tone eyeballs, and Eric the vampire from True Blood (Alexander Sarsgarrd). There's no shock value to this, especially with the torture porn genre so generously spoon fed to us every Halloween. (Saw, Hostel, Rob Zombie). Those types of movies owe a little of be of gratitude to Peckinpah...in the ways of LEAVE WHAT'S GOOD ALONE! Let the classics stay classic.
Speaking of classics....
When I'm having a for-real sick day, my two movies of choice are Jurassic Park and Teen Wolf. Yes,  the Michael J. Fox funky almost to the point of uncomfortable werewolf yarn. (Don't forget Teen Wolf Too (yes Too, not Two) with Jason Bateman!)   Such a perfect nick in the canon of 1980's movies, where high doses of pot, cocaine, and meth, resulted in Hollywood spewing out such gems as Legend, Howard the Duck, and Beastmaster...just to name a few.
The films of the 1980s would make for a very interesting thesis....
Now, Teen Wolf...it's just one of those things from one's particular generation, something once remembered and is laughed over and perhaps viewed for free on netflix while reminiscing about the good old days when Marty McFly didn't suffer from Parkinson's and one wasn't concerned about getting ringworm from a sweaty hairy beast in basketball shorts.... (and honestly, was there hair EVERYWHERE? Like...you know...)


And now thanks to the Twilight generation, MTV has made Teen Wolf into a tv show-feeding off those young hormone riddled girls who think hairy men with sharp teeth and twelve packs are sexy. They are, kinda. The premise is like a Twilight movie, and the fun, sappy, silliness of the original Teen Wolf is stripped away. The morals of "be yourself" one can learn from Teen Wolf (yes, there are lessons! This was the After School Special era afterall!) are vanquished and instead we have this boy who looks uncanny like Jacob from Twilight running around with his pants off and panting for his lady.  Ugh..

What's next? Wizard of Oz staring Kristen Steward as Dorothy? Nicolas Cage as the Lion? (he needs the money)
How about Citizen Kane, deemed the greatest film ever made. (And it is....don't argue, especially you, Star War fans)  Let Judd Apatow take a swing at it.  Maybe they'll make Rosebud a call girl instead of a sled. (Oh my god, you haven't seen it yet??) Seth Rogan can be Kane.....
Or better yet, Paul Giamatti.....then perhaps I have some heavy reconsideration to struggle with.

 On a side note:  For the 1 + 1 readers,  2 new chapters from Cinders and Fathers and Daughters is back up.