Plug your ears....

I wish I could sing, that's one thing I would love to acquire as a talent. My friend Tracy is beyond a triple threat when it comes to theater, my buddie Thayer is a quadruple threat cause he can throw Shakespeare into the mix...damn them both. :)  I can't sing...but when you get a few drinks in me...I'm an all out Toni Braxton, complete with the weaves. Watch out world!
Karaoke. A beautiful artform designed for those like myself who can't sing but can hide behind cheesy DJs named Sir MixThis and Vocal HotShot, all while having my fill of Jolly Rancher martinis.
There's really nothing brilliant or funny I can write about Karaoke because we all can imagine some amazing Karaoke experience, on either end, be it the drunken singer or the horrified-embarrassed-for-you audience.
But I did want to share my top five karaoke tunes. Now, the order they are in embodies the number of drinks it takes for me to sing that particular song.

1 drink.)  The Golden Girls theme song. (It's quick, easy, one pitch, and everyone just nods and smiles, while thinking, "Oh, look at the special ed girl up there singing. Very cute. I loved that show. Are they all dead yet?") It's a quick, painless experience, like combing lice out of one's hair.

2 drinks.) Downeastern Alexa by Billy Joel  I have discovered Billy Joel and I share the same vocal range, even though he is a man, and I am not.  And besides, I know how it is to be a bay man, like my father was before.

3 drinks.) Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel.  Can't carry the tune too well, but by this time, three martini's in, I'm not really caring and more concerned with getting people to clap along, and pinching as many asses as I can.

4 drinks.)  Piano Man by Billy Joel.  Oh man, four drinks in and I'm flying high, or merely climbing on top of the tables and crooning my heart out to Jake, the bartender all the while fantasizing that the people are waving their lighters and blackberries and singing along, when in reality they are watching in embarrased fear to see if the big boned girl is going to break that small table she's dancing on.

5 drinks.) Don't Cry for Me Argentina from Evita  I honestly have yet to let my freak flag fly on this one. And for those who know me and my light weighted drinking ways, getting to five drinks for me would be like defeating the Russian from Rocky III. One day, the people will know the truth...that I can rock this, even if I'm on the floor, drunk as a skunk.